Got my hair treated the other day in a new salon. The girl who handled me was friendly. While massaging my head, she talked about her life, about the train home, the jobs she’s been doing since 2002, her three and nine years old kids, and more other topics about herself until we arrived at her love life.
Salon girl : I knew my husband only 2 months before we got married.
Me : Really?? Wow… who’d have thought, right?
Salon girl : Right. And you know what, my previous relationship was 6 years.
Me : (Having heard so often about long-time relationships don’t always end up in marriage…) Oh well…
Salon girl : And I still can’t forget about him.
Me : You mean… (Take my bait, girl.)
Salon girl : Yeah, my old boyfriend. He still means so much for me. He’s so different with my husband.
Uh-oh… here comes my naïve way of thinking… that ‘means so much’ sounds like the current partner may rank second. I didn’t ask her further about that, although she seemed more than ready to tell me more about it. Maybe she saw me as a harmless stranger who might ease the whatever-it-is burden in her heart, if there is a burden of course.
Alright girl, salon girl, you were in love with that boyfriend for six years. I bet it wasn’t an always smooth relationship, but obviously the number ‘six’ still means something for you.
But, hang on! There he is, your husband. Yep, the guy who’s accompanied you for almost ten years. True, true, only God and you guys know the storms and comedies that have happened in your marriage life. So, what are you gonna say about him?
Me : (Okay, salon girl, take this second bait:) I bet you love your husband so much. (Wow… for mentioning the word ‘love’ to a stranger…)
Salon girl : Umm…
Umm?! Ten years with two kids, salon girl!
Salon girl : … I don’t know. ‘I don’t know’ doesn’t mean ‘yes’ to me. And I can’t believe she saw me that harmless *sigh*
Anyhow, talk about the other side of a coin, there must be a reason for saying that ‘I don’t know’ after 10-years marriage. It could be the accumulation of disappointments in your heart, the stuffs that you’ve been trying to let out but just end up bouncing on that unseen wall. It could be small things, but your partner just doesn’t seem to ever understand what you want. It could be as simple as when you’re excited to tell your partner what happened in the workplace that day, but the opposite party just doesn’t look that excited when you do it. Worse, “Shush…!” you coz the football game is starting on TV right at that time. Hmm, looking back at those ‘meaningful six years’ (at this point, you usually forget—or want to forget—the bad things that also took place during those six years) and remembering that being always listened must have been like some escapade.
…Or for an even bigger reason. You caught him paying a special attention to another woman. This probably makes it feel right for you to say the “means so much” and “I don’t know.”
Some say, if you can hurt me I can hurt you too… If you don’t understand me after I’ve tried to make you understand me that means bad news for both parties… U guys, can all these conditions really ‘legalize’ the way you compensate for your disappointments by doing the same thing to the opposite party?
My parents keep telling me that a relationship always, always takes sincerity in giving in and struggle for the sake of many hearts. They don’t believe in paying back bad attitude with the same bad, or even worse, attitude. The payback should only be given by God. How easier said than done, I thought. But I must admit that I’ve seen them prove—not always, but they’re proving just fine—sincerity and struggle in more than a quarter of century.
Still, saying that you don’t know if you love the person who’s been there to raise the children together with you and perhaps put up with your boring jokes and nagging demands for years… …
I reckon, whenever I start a new relationship, at that very second I must commit to it, heart and soul. It’s dead difficult especially when I’m upset and disappointed! But I have to. I do, I do, I do…!
The first thing I have to put on my mindset is ‘respect’. My current relationship deserves priority and therefore responsibility. Holding onto them is what makes the relationship worthwhile. Therefore the grass hopefully stays green 
What about the salon girl and her six years in the past? Well, she’s got her own reasons. I couldn’t meddle with that, could I? I know that there’s no right answer to which one is the most important: the past, the present or the future? I’d say they’re all are, but with different functions and different priority. I deem the past as groundwork for the present and the present for the future. Just like house groundwork, it can never be out in the ground. It must stay underground. You can value the memories in the past, take lessons from it, or maybe laugh about it, but not going back there. Absolutely not when you’re in a relationship.
The future is there for you to seize. And the present, enriched by lessons from the past, is the vehicle for you to ride into the future. You break it, then you gotta fix it in order to continue your journey. If it can’t be fixed, then it’s become your past, but it’s okay coz you’ve fought hard for it already. It’s time to find another vehicle towards the future. Mind you, it’s a mere analogy. Please don’t confuse yourself by believing that I see a partner as a vehicle. Huge mistake. Besides that, I’m talking about the relationship, not the person. Let’s not make our already uneasy life harder with unnecessary judgment, shall we?
Anyways, I once saw a card saying true love never runs smooth. This, I agree.
