Caffeine versus…

Who says only caffeine help you stay awake?

I have to do a blood test every month which requires me to fast for ten hours (but I’m still allowed to drink mineral water) before my blood is taken. This has been going on for the past six months and no, it’s not a fun experience.

Why not?

Because the lab is far from my house, and the traffic jam in Jakarta is just unbearable.

Because I’m cranky when I’m hungry, that’s why Ramadhan is such a good theraphy for me.

Because a needle always hurts no matter how small it is.

So that Friday (this actually happened weeks ago) I called the lab asking whether I could have my blood taken on Saturday or not, in case the place was supposed to be closed. The receptionist told me to come anytime before 3 pm. That’s cool, I thought.

Saturday 12 pm, I went there but made a stop at Setiabudi Plaza for Krispy Kreme and ATM. I was planning to eat doughnuts after having my blood taken.

1.30 pm, arriving at the laboratorium. The door sign said ‘Open.’ Yaayy! Minutes to go before doughnuts with dates glaze, cappuccino glaze and yummy custard filling (I can hear you drooling )

But I didn’t see anyone in the front desk. Instead, a man was sweeping the floor when I got in. And then I told him that I wanted to do a blood test. And his answer was enough to test my blood instantly,”The lady who’s supposed to take it has gone home.”

Whaa..??

The drama began. I started it. It was something about ‘not being professional’, ‘having been fasting for 10 hours in my current condition is not fun’, ‘call the lady back to take my blood right now’ and so on…

I think I yelled. Well, I’m sure I did. And worse, I dashed out just like that without saying anything.

That night I couldn’t close my eyes. The man’s expression when I was yelling really bugged me. What was it, stunned? Hurt?!

That’s it. It was my mistake. I shouldn’t have got mad with him. Who was he anyway? He was just the janitor, so it wasn’t his job to know who would come to do blood tests. And if he had a family, how would his wife and kids feel for him? Not to mention if he’s not originated from Jakarta, a person like me might make him hate this city even more *sigh sigh sigh!*

Do you play that online shooting computer game where you can shoot just everybody including your own teammates? I bet your teammate is more than happy to shoot you in reality if you shoot him, even if it’s a friendly one. Another bet, that action can leave you feel stupid, for sacrificing your own team member.

Right, that’s how I feel even until now. Guilty and stupid are just the right combination to substitute caffeine at night. Let’s see what time I get to sleep after this.

Ow, what about the doughnuts? Well, I ate it right after I walked out that lab door.

I don’t know, do I?

Got my hair treated the other day in a new salon. The girl who handled me was friendly. While massaging my head, she talked about her life, about the train home, the jobs she’s been doing since 2002, her three and nine years old kids, and more other topics about herself until we arrived at her love life.

Salon girl           : I knew my husband only 2 months before we got married.

Me                    : Really?? Wow… who’d have thought, right?

Salon girl           : Right. And you know what, my previous relationship was 6 years.

Me                    : (Having heard so often about long-time relationships don’t always end up in marriage…) Oh well…

Salon girl           : And I still can’t forget about him.

Me                    : You mean… (Take my bait, girl.) 

Salon girl           : Yeah, my old boyfriend. He still means so much for me. He’s so different with my husband.

Uh-oh… here comes my naïve way of thinking… that ‘means so much’ sounds like the current partner may rank second. I didn’t ask her further about that, although she seemed more than ready to tell me more about it. Maybe she saw me as a harmless stranger who might ease the whatever-it-is burden in her heart, if there is a burden of course.

Alright girl, salon girl, you were in love with that boyfriend for six years. I bet it wasn’t an always smooth relationship, but obviously the number ‘six’ still means something for you.

 But, hang on! There he is, your husband. Yep, the guy who’s accompanied you for almost ten years. True, true, only God and you guys know the storms and comedies that have happened in your marriage life. So, what are you gonna say about him?

Me                    : (Okay, salon girl, take this second bait:) I bet you love your husband so much. (Wow… for mentioning the word ‘love’ to a stranger…)

Salon girl           : Umm…

 Umm?! Ten years with two kids, salon girl!

Salon girl           : … I don’t know. ‘I don’t know’ doesn’t mean ‘yes’ to me. And I can’t believe she saw me that harmless *sigh*

Anyhow, talk about the other side of a coin, there must be a reason for saying that ‘I don’t know’ after 10-years marriage. It could be the accumulation of disappointments in your heart, the stuffs that you’ve been trying to let out but just end up bouncing on that unseen wall. It could be small things, but your partner just doesn’t seem to ever understand what you want. It could be as simple as when you’re excited to tell your partner what happened in the workplace that day, but the opposite party just doesn’t look that excited when you do it. Worse, “Shush…!” you coz the football game is starting on TV right at that time. Hmm, looking back at those ‘meaningful six years’ (at this point, you usually forget—or want to forget—the bad things that also took place during those six years) and remembering that being always listened must have been like some escapade. 

…Or for an even bigger reason. You caught him paying a special attention to another woman. This probably makes it feel right for you to say the “means so much” and “I don’t know.”

Some say, if you can hurt me I can hurt you too… If you don’t understand me after I’ve tried to make you understand me that means bad news for both parties… U guys, can all these conditions really ‘legalize’ the way you compensate for your disappointments by doing the same thing to the opposite party?

My parents keep telling me that a relationship always, always takes sincerity in giving in and struggle for the sake of many hearts. They don’t believe in paying back bad attitude with the same bad, or even worse, attitude. The payback should only be given by God. How easier said than done, I thought. But I must admit that I’ve seen them prove—not always, but they’re proving just fine—sincerity and struggle in more than a quarter of century.

Still, saying that you don’t know if you love the person who’s been there to raise the children together with you and perhaps put up with your boring jokes and nagging demands for years… …

I reckon, whenever I start a new relationship, at that very second I must commit to it, heart and soul. It’s dead difficult especially when I’m upset and disappointed! But I have to. I do, I do, I do…!

The first thing I have to put on my mindset is ‘respect’. My current relationship deserves priority and therefore responsibility. Holding onto them is what makes the relationship worthwhile. Therefore the grass hopefully stays green

What about the salon girl and her six years in the past? Well, she’s got her own reasons. I couldn’t meddle with that, could I? I know that there’s no right answer to which one is the most important: the past, the present or the future? I’d say they’re all are, but with different functions and different priority. I deem the past as groundwork for the present and the present for the future. Just like house groundwork, it can never be out in the ground. It must stay underground. You can value the memories in the past, take lessons from it, or maybe laugh about it, but not going back there. Absolutely not when you’re in a relationship.

The future is there for you to seize. And the present, enriched by lessons from the past, is the vehicle for you to ride into the future. You break it, then you gotta fix it in order to continue your journey. If it can’t be fixed, then it’s become your past, but it’s okay coz you’ve fought hard for it already. It’s time to find another vehicle towards the future. Mind you, it’s a mere analogy. Please don’t confuse yourself by believing that I see a partner as a vehicle. Huge mistake. Besides that, I’m talking about the relationship, not the person. Let’s not make our already uneasy life harder with unnecessary judgment, shall we?

Anyways, I once saw a card saying true love never runs smooth. This, I agree.

Better…

Better be thanking than complaining…

that way the world won’t lose its beauty to our eyes.

Better feel losing than winning…

if winning just makes us too proud.

Questioning

As much as I know that it’s important to find out h.o.w. …

I want so much to go back asking w.h.y. every now and again.

Am I too stuck to even realize that I am?

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel you don’t belong there? I mean, a kind of situation that you’re already familiar with because (!)you’ve let yourself being compensated by others for too long already.

Quit it may sound tempting. Well, it does to me. However, in effect of doing it can possibly break more than just two hearts.

I’d like to sigh, please…

C’mon, Al, hold yourself together.

Mi Familia

I love Sabar. Unconditionally. And I don’t care even if it’s truly unnecessary to declare it to the other residents of Earth. See how funny love makes us become? Careful and careless just at the same time.

Now, about Sabar, he’s more than 3 years old. I would be real happy if someone told me he/she had seen an older rabbit. Especially one that behaves more like a puppy than a rabbit.

So why do I love him so much? Hhh… why bother answering?

Anyways, for us a.k.a Dad, my brother and me, Sabar is one helluva…n entertainer. He’ll follow us everywhere in the house. Sometimes he’ll lay down somewhere, but when he hears us opening a cookies jar, he’ll run instantly towards us as if it was the run for life. Don’t get him wrong. He won’t come close if you call his name. Apparently, he’s too lazy to maximize the use of his long ears to hear. They’re more used as ‘food detector.’

One day, Roro, his wife (seriously?) died, for an unknown cause. As some of you may have known, I don’t live in my parents’ house anymore. So I went there, with expectation that her cage is empty already. And when I got there, I was stunned. Sabar’s cage was empty too! No, no, not him too!

My cousin who lives there, as if she knew what’s on my mind, said,”He’s dead too.”

Me        : You’d better be joking… (…or I won’t be joking pulling your hair, girl.)

So I frantically asked Mom where Sabar was. Tears were just ready to fall. Couldn’t even try to think logically.

Mom     : You’re not gonna find him. He died.

Me        : Because!

Brother  : (Answering from upstairs, this eagerness should’ve made me suspicious.) Because he’s sick.

Me        : Ma! You said Roro died. You didn’t mention about Sabar! Has he been buried already? (I’m sorry, Ma, for screaming. But you guys were so wicked.)

Brother  : We gave his dead body to the bird seller to bury him.

Me        : So I won’t be able to see him ever again??!! (Bye bye logic…)

Brother  : Of course not.

He can’t be serious! He loves Sabar so much as well. He’s crazy about Sabar he even proposed him to marry him (whadda…?) before we found out Sabar’s ‘thingy’ down there. He can’t be this cold about Sabar’s going away. So the probability of him being serious was… I ran upstairs to my Dad’s work desk. Sabar would normally lay near Dad’s feet. I was still crying dramatically, horrified by the thought that I wouldn’t find my puppy (read: wabbit) there.Yep, there he was. Laying alive and pretty. And my brother didn’t look pretty good when I presented him punches. Eat that, fatso! Hate you, hate you, hate you! (Love you… pssst.)

Sabar, mi Sabar… have you seen how love makes me become?

“Honey, I’m hooomme!”

It’s been almost two months since my last post. I’ve moved out to the new home, about 15 minutes via freeway from my parents’.

Everyday is all about adjustment, adjustment, adjustments. With the surrounding peeps, with the chores, with being away from my family and my rabbits… with no telephone line installed yet…

Well, nothing has surprised me just yet so far. I think I’m managing just okay. And I never forget about my green grass here of course, ever! Mmmuach! …Just couldn’t find the time to leave a new post. Sorry for that.

Right, many have happened. My exam was on December 3, 2006. After finished doing it, I never felt that optimistic in my life before… about failing it. This kind of feeling immediately led me to feel many more negative feelings, that I’m such a disappointment to my parents… how I’ve wasted my time a lot… how I’ve wasted their time in raising me… FYI, I still feel this way until now and am not planning to remove it from my heart. Deem it as a reminder to do better next time, no matter what the exam results will be.And then, the bad news came while I . An old friend got hit by a motorcycle and her head was injured. That’s not easy to my heart. Seeing her lay down in the hospital, unconscious and powerless, was just heartbreaking. But thank God, her parents and boyfriend were strong and hopeful. They have to, and they know it. And thanks again, God, for sending her back to her family.A president was hung. An airplane went missing. A boat was drowned. A train fell from a bridge. And the world is still busy.I’m busy.

I learn how to cook properly. I sweep. I mop. I wash. I tolerate. I swallow. I argue. I listen. I keep my mouth shut at times. I smile widely. I missed out The Simpsons, often. I sleep early. I hate. I love.

“Honey, I’m hoooomme!”

Once upon a daylight…

Last Monday, went to Dufan with my brother and cousins. It was the day right before Eid ul-Fitr, the mid of holiday season, so I did expect:

1. The place to be crowded,
2. A long queue at each attraction,
3. People who would be more than happy to cut in the queue right before our very eyes,
4. Me, busy saying “Get back in the line, pleeeease!” to the people who (grrghh… #%^&%!!) just didn’t seem to give up on doing it.

Well, I admit that, at this point, I had my own so-called presumption before I entered the place towards the people inside, whom I hadn’t seen yet. This is one of those moments when I’m just too tired to even tryyyy (see how tired I am?) thinking positive coz perhaps I’ve known the situation well. Too well *sighing a la drama queen*

Anyway, all of the above came true. Yep, including number 4.

Inside and outside this adventure world, many healthy people (…whoa, good guess! They’re indeed those who aren’t dying!) cut in. Oh, no no… not so that the wars in the world end if they do. Not so that HIV stops spreading either. And tens of other not-so-that’s…

So, what good is cutting in the line for? Oh well, I suppose it’s time to say hi again to our beloved friend named E-freakin’-go. I bet u’ve met this legendary friend before, perhaps a minute ago? Who hasn’t, by the way?

Back to the Dufan story… After three times experiencing people cutting in (thank yooouuu… #%$$^&*#@!), when I was standing in line for the Dolls Castle with my peeps, I saw this man behind us. He was about 40’s of age, and was with his wife & kids. His kids tried to cut us in. But what stopped me from scolding them (right, I do have a heart to this to kids at times) was what their father did. He, patiently and persistently, told his kids to just stand in line and not to cut in ever again. And the kids instantly did what he said.

Oh wow…! To see such a view… amid the hot and humid air…! I swear, everytime someone did cut in, no one else (except my bunch, of corrzz) seemed to be bothered. At Star Wars attraction, one daddy let his kid went all the way to the front line to catch up with the mommy. My piercing look on the father didn’t have any effects at all. So I thought,”Well done. Looks like he’s done a good job educating his kid about manners…”

Now, let’s return to the Dolls Castle short story. Sorry about the sudden jumps on topics. Of course I didn’t know that man. But oh how I admired and was proud of him… of his family too! Now that what I call a true hero!!

Because, hero is one who has the courage to keep respect for others in his/her heart.

…….. Are you?

Will being nice kill?

• Far from being friendly,
• Unappreciative,
• Giving you nasty comments and
• Responding sarcastically to what you say, but!
• Usually, oh so angelic and sweet to the boss.

I bet those are the standard requirements for a person to be awarded with the shiny Public Enemy insignia in your environment. He or she could be your teacher, your boss, classmate, or anyone whom why-oh-why you just have to deal with everyday.

I do find this kind of people many, many times. Oh dear, how I’d like to take them for a duel…

But hang on, let’s not hate them just yet. Coz I begin to wonder… what causes them mainly to be such wicked persons? It can’t be just a bad day, can it? Coz it seems to be more like a character than a behavior.

Could it be the way they’re being raised in the family? Or are there any bad histories in their lives, leaving them untrusting towards people? Most of all, what good will it bring them for being such a *beep sound 7x*? Respect? Hmm… I know people will be afraid of them, but definitely not respect. Gaining superiority? Maybe, although I don’t see what’s superiority’s use without respects from people.

Frankly speaking, I’d like to be as wicked as they are when facing people like this. Aaarggh… twice as much, if possible! Still, it won’t make me different with them, will it?

Well, one thing for sure, I don’t hate them. I really don’t. I just pity them. They seem to define ‘happiness’ differently, whereby happiness means their own happiness, not making others happy.

Now what if you’ve done his/her order and any of the first four criterias above happens, what’s the right thing to do? Ask politely to behave nicer? Give ‘Manner 101′ book as an early birthday gift? Or smile?

Yeah, would be nice. A simple one won’t kill you, right? It’s elegant as well. But wait until this wacko says,”Are you nuts smiling yourself?”

Hearts will…

- To Miss Soy Sauce

“Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable,” said the Wizard of Oz.

So girl, you know what you shouldn’t be afraid of

Soul mate (?)

I just got this e-mail below (along with the ”pass this around to na-na-na people, make a wish and something good will come to you” message.) 

[13] When you just went out with him/her, and he/she has just left you for 5 minutes, you’ve missed him/her already…

[12] You read his/her text messages over and over again…

[11] You always walk slowly when you’re with him/her…

[10] You become very gentle when you’re with him/her…

[9] When you’re thinking about him/her, your heart beats faster and faster…

[8] You smile happily when you hear his/her voice…

[7] It’s only him/her whom you see…

[6] You start listening to slow music when remembering him/her…

[5] He/she is always on your mind…

[4] You’re confident because of him/her…

[3] You smile when thinking of him/her…

[2] You’d do anything for him/her…

[1] When you’re reading this, there’s only one person in your mind at the moment…

Well, it takes more than those 13 signs to tell me what a soul mate actually is.

I suppose I can only be convinced whom my soul mate is, only when I’m about to close my eyes eternally.

Soul mate, is not a title given to someone for free.

It’s an achievement for the big heart, who’s decided to go through joy and sorrow with me