Caffeine versus…

Who says only caffeine help you stay awake?

I have to do a blood test every month which requires me to fast for ten hours (but I’m still allowed to drink mineral water) before my blood is taken. This has been going on for the past six months and no, it’s not a fun experience.

Why not?

Because the lab is far from my house, and the traffic jam in Jakarta is just unbearable.

Because I’m cranky when I’m hungry, that’s why Ramadhan is such a good theraphy for me.

Because a needle always hurts no matter how small it is.

So that Friday (this actually happened weeks ago) I called the lab asking whether I could have my blood taken on Saturday or not, in case the place was supposed to be closed. The receptionist told me to come anytime before 3 pm. That’s cool, I thought.

Saturday 12 pm, I went there but made a stop at Setiabudi Plaza for Krispy Kreme and ATM. I was planning to eat doughnuts after having my blood taken.

1.30 pm, arriving at the laboratorium. The door sign said ‘Open.’ Yaayy! Minutes to go before doughnuts with dates glaze, cappuccino glaze and yummy custard filling (I can hear you drooling )

But I didn’t see anyone in the front desk. Instead, a man was sweeping the floor when I got in. And then I told him that I wanted to do a blood test. And his answer was enough to test my blood instantly,”The lady who’s supposed to take it has gone home.”

Whaa..??

The drama began. I started it. It was something about ‘not being professional’, ‘having been fasting for 10 hours in my current condition is not fun’, ‘call the lady back to take my blood right now’ and so on…

I think I yelled. Well, I’m sure I did. And worse, I dashed out just like that without saying anything.

That night I couldn’t close my eyes. The man’s expression when I was yelling really bugged me. What was it, stunned? Hurt?!

That’s it. It was my mistake. I shouldn’t have got mad with him. Who was he anyway? He was just the janitor, so it wasn’t his job to know who would come to do blood tests. And if he had a family, how would his wife and kids feel for him? Not to mention if he’s not originated from Jakarta, a person like me might make him hate this city even more *sigh sigh sigh!*

Do you play that online shooting computer game where you can shoot just everybody including your own teammates? I bet your teammate is more than happy to shoot you in reality if you shoot him, even if it’s a friendly one. Another bet, that action can leave you feel stupid, for sacrificing your own team member.

Right, that’s how I feel even until now. Guilty and stupid are just the right combination to substitute caffeine at night. Let’s see what time I get to sleep after this.

Ow, what about the doughnuts? Well, I ate it right after I walked out that lab door.

I don’t know, do I?

Got my hair treated the other day in a new salon. The girl who handled me was friendly. While massaging my head, she talked about her life, about the train home, the jobs she’s been doing since 2002, her three and nine years old kids, and more other topics about herself until we arrived at her love life.

Salon girl           : I knew my husband only 2 months before we got married.

Me                    : Really?? Wow… who’d have thought, right?

Salon girl           : Right. And you know what, my previous relationship was 6 years.

Me                    : (Having heard so often about long-time relationships don’t always end up in marriage…) Oh well…

Salon girl           : And I still can’t forget about him.

Me                    : You mean… (Take my bait, girl.) 

Salon girl           : Yeah, my old boyfriend. He still means so much for me. He’s so different with my husband.

Uh-oh… here comes my naïve way of thinking… that ‘means so much’ sounds like the current partner may rank second. I didn’t ask her further about that, although she seemed more than ready to tell me more about it. Maybe she saw me as a harmless stranger who might ease the whatever-it-is burden in her heart, if there is a burden of course.

Alright girl, salon girl, you were in love with that boyfriend for six years. I bet it wasn’t an always smooth relationship, but obviously the number ‘six’ still means something for you.

 But, hang on! There he is, your husband. Yep, the guy who’s accompanied you for almost ten years. True, true, only God and you guys know the storms and comedies that have happened in your marriage life. So, what are you gonna say about him?

Me                    : (Okay, salon girl, take this second bait:) I bet you love your husband so much. (Wow… for mentioning the word ‘love’ to a stranger…)

Salon girl           : Umm…

 Umm?! Ten years with two kids, salon girl!

Salon girl           : … I don’t know. ‘I don’t know’ doesn’t mean ‘yes’ to me. And I can’t believe she saw me that harmless *sigh*

Anyhow, talk about the other side of a coin, there must be a reason for saying that ‘I don’t know’ after 10-years marriage. It could be the accumulation of disappointments in your heart, the stuffs that you’ve been trying to let out but just end up bouncing on that unseen wall. It could be small things, but your partner just doesn’t seem to ever understand what you want. It could be as simple as when you’re excited to tell your partner what happened in the workplace that day, but the opposite party just doesn’t look that excited when you do it. Worse, “Shush…!” you coz the football game is starting on TV right at that time. Hmm, looking back at those ‘meaningful six years’ (at this point, you usually forget—or want to forget—the bad things that also took place during those six years) and remembering that being always listened must have been like some escapade. 

…Or for an even bigger reason. You caught him paying a special attention to another woman. This probably makes it feel right for you to say the “means so much” and “I don’t know.”

Some say, if you can hurt me I can hurt you too… If you don’t understand me after I’ve tried to make you understand me that means bad news for both parties… U guys, can all these conditions really ‘legalize’ the way you compensate for your disappointments by doing the same thing to the opposite party?

My parents keep telling me that a relationship always, always takes sincerity in giving in and struggle for the sake of many hearts. They don’t believe in paying back bad attitude with the same bad, or even worse, attitude. The payback should only be given by God. How easier said than done, I thought. But I must admit that I’ve seen them prove—not always, but they’re proving just fine—sincerity and struggle in more than a quarter of century.

Still, saying that you don’t know if you love the person who’s been there to raise the children together with you and perhaps put up with your boring jokes and nagging demands for years… …

I reckon, whenever I start a new relationship, at that very second I must commit to it, heart and soul. It’s dead difficult especially when I’m upset and disappointed! But I have to. I do, I do, I do…!

The first thing I have to put on my mindset is ‘respect’. My current relationship deserves priority and therefore responsibility. Holding onto them is what makes the relationship worthwhile. Therefore the grass hopefully stays green

What about the salon girl and her six years in the past? Well, she’s got her own reasons. I couldn’t meddle with that, could I? I know that there’s no right answer to which one is the most important: the past, the present or the future? I’d say they’re all are, but with different functions and different priority. I deem the past as groundwork for the present and the present for the future. Just like house groundwork, it can never be out in the ground. It must stay underground. You can value the memories in the past, take lessons from it, or maybe laugh about it, but not going back there. Absolutely not when you’re in a relationship.

The future is there for you to seize. And the present, enriched by lessons from the past, is the vehicle for you to ride into the future. You break it, then you gotta fix it in order to continue your journey. If it can’t be fixed, then it’s become your past, but it’s okay coz you’ve fought hard for it already. It’s time to find another vehicle towards the future. Mind you, it’s a mere analogy. Please don’t confuse yourself by believing that I see a partner as a vehicle. Huge mistake. Besides that, I’m talking about the relationship, not the person. Let’s not make our already uneasy life harder with unnecessary judgment, shall we?

Anyways, I once saw a card saying true love never runs smooth. This, I agree.

“Honey, I’m hooomme!”

It’s been almost two months since my last post. I’ve moved out to the new home, about 15 minutes via freeway from my parents’.

Everyday is all about adjustment, adjustment, adjustments. With the surrounding peeps, with the chores, with being away from my family and my rabbits… with no telephone line installed yet…

Well, nothing has surprised me just yet so far. I think I’m managing just okay. And I never forget about my green grass here of course, ever! Mmmuach! …Just couldn’t find the time to leave a new post. Sorry for that.

Right, many have happened. My exam was on December 3, 2006. After finished doing it, I never felt that optimistic in my life before… about failing it. This kind of feeling immediately led me to feel many more negative feelings, that I’m such a disappointment to my parents… how I’ve wasted my time a lot… how I’ve wasted their time in raising me… FYI, I still feel this way until now and am not planning to remove it from my heart. Deem it as a reminder to do better next time, no matter what the exam results will be.And then, the bad news came while I . An old friend got hit by a motorcycle and her head was injured. That’s not easy to my heart. Seeing her lay down in the hospital, unconscious and powerless, was just heartbreaking. But thank God, her parents and boyfriend were strong and hopeful. They have to, and they know it. And thanks again, God, for sending her back to her family.A president was hung. An airplane went missing. A boat was drowned. A train fell from a bridge. And the world is still busy.I’m busy.

I learn how to cook properly. I sweep. I mop. I wash. I tolerate. I swallow. I argue. I listen. I keep my mouth shut at times. I smile widely. I missed out The Simpsons, often. I sleep early. I hate. I love.

“Honey, I’m hoooomme!”

Payback time!

I’ve been doing a great job… hell yeah, it’s great! ….At sleeping

WHILE my six ‘Books of Nightmares’ are still waiting to be properly and intentionally read. I do remember that there’s an exam coming in a month. Oh yes, remember it so well, like, everrrrydayyyy… But… To study… Hhhh…!

To do:

• Stay up (d’uh… um, okay then, will try to) for two days.
• Sleep only 3 hours max (Hah! Eat that, girl!)
• Coffee, lots of it.
• No watching DVD’s.
• No TV’s.
• Internet, a little.

And everytime I wanna break my own rules, remember how sorry I will be!!!

So, this way I won’t regret if I fail the exam. Coz I’ll fail because it’s difficult, not because I don’t fight hard enough.

Our little friend named ‘Sorry.’

Happy Fasting! May our fasting be better than the previous years, and be blessed by Allah SWT. Aamiin.…

…and suddenly my SMS inbox is full with messages about ‘forgiving and be forgiven.’ This got me thinking, that it seems to be easy to apologize and also feels light to forgive, in this blessed month.  

I did find circumstances where it’s just not easy to say ’sorry’ though. I know it’s just a simple word. But for it to come out of my mouth, it must go through a ‘war’. A personal one which no one else can actually hear it, but it creates this thundering voice within. It’s when I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong but apparently what I don’t or even do might disappoint another person. Been there done that? 

Driving in Jakarta can be quite stressful. The city is known for its unpredictable traffic. The freeway itself doesn’t represent the words ‘free’ and ‘way’ either. First it’s not free from toll fee (which is likely to rise from year to year, yet everyone’s still excited using it) and it’s often jammed (again, everyone’s still excited using it.) 

So one morning I decided to pick the regular street instead of freeway. I thought, what’s the difference? Both must be jammed at that hour, only with regular street I would be free from toll fee. But I missed one important factor; drivers on regular street tend to see it as their grandparents’ street. Yeah, they adore the street so much they drive as they like. There’s a saying: only God and the driver know where he goes (Indonesian fellows, trust me, this doesn’t apply to Bajaj drivers only.) 

Clock was ticking. Got a meeting in the office in half an hour while I was still an hour away. Severe traffic jam. And my bumper hit a motorcycle behind. Neat... 

The motorcycle was on the right of my car. The rider thumped on top of my car machine! Man, he looked furious. I was so ready to hear him screaming at me.

….But he did not.

He pulled over instead. Me too. I got off and went to see how he was doing. The bumper looked fine. Meanwhile the voice within is telling me not to apologize and pay compensation to him. It convinced me that I was on the right track, so it shouldn’t be my fault. I knew I wasn’t wrong but it’s just not easy to decide who’s right or wrong on the street, especially if the traffic law is being ignored. 

In Indonesia, vehicles are driven on the left side, where motorcycles and bicycles are supposed to be driven on its very left side of the road. That is of course the theory. Most motorcycles prefer its right edge instead, really the edge. So can you imagine what happens when suddenly a truck comes from the opposite direction?  

Anyway, I apologized and offered him compensation. He accepted my apology, but not the compensation, and drove on. Case closed. I respected how sincere he was in forgiving me. You don’t find such a quality everyday these days, right? And his choice to say ‘no’ to my offer of compensation… oh well, I’ll just leave this un-commented.

Still, I’m sorry that he drove on the far-right edge of the left side, gambling his safety against large vehicles which may run at top speed from the opposite direction. I don’t want such a kind person to have an accident. The world needs his rare qualities.

In the end, glad knowing that people still listen to the word ’sorry.’