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My Love,

I’ll never find the words, My Love. To tell you how I feel, My love. Mere words could not explain.

Precious love, you held my life within your hands. Created everything I am. Taught me how to live again.

Only you, cared when I needed a friend. Believed in me through thick and thin. This song is for you. Filled with gratitude and love.

God bless you, you make me feel brand new. For God blessed me with you. You make me feel brand new. I sing this song ’cause you make me feel brand new.

My love, whenever I was insecure. You built me up and made me sure. You gave my pride back to me. Precious friend, with you I’ll always have a friend. You’re someone who I can depend to walk a path that never ends. Without you, my life has no meaning or rhyme. Like notes to a song out of time. How can I repay you for having faith in me?

- You Make Me Feel Brand New, 1974, The Stylistics.

…and you make me feel whole and brand new, Sadina Mikaila Rizki, 12.12.2007, 16:16, Alhamdulillah.

Who says only caffeine help you stay awake?

I have to do a blood test every month which requires me to fast for ten hours (but I’m still allowed to drink mineral water) before my blood is taken. This has been going on for the past six months and no, it’s not a fun experience.

Why not?

Because the lab is far from my house, and the traffic jam in Jakarta is just unbearable.

Because I’m cranky when I’m hungry, that’s why Ramadhan is such a good theraphy for me.

Because a needle always hurts no matter how small it is.

So that Friday (this actually happened weeks ago) I called the lab asking whether I could have my blood taken on Saturday or not, in case the place was supposed to be closed. The receptionist told me to come anytime before 3 pm. That’s cool, I thought.

Saturday 12 pm, I went there but made a stop at Setiabudi Plaza for Krispy Kreme and ATM. I was planning to eat doughnuts after having my blood taken.

1.30 pm, arriving at the laboratorium. The door sign said ‘Open.’ Yaayy! Minutes to go before doughnuts with dates glaze, cappuccino glaze and yummy custard filling (I can hear you drooling )

But I didn’t see anyone in the front desk. Instead, a man was sweeping the floor when I got in. And then I told him that I wanted to do a blood test. And his answer was enough to test my blood instantly,”The lady who’s supposed to take it has gone home.”

Whaa..??

The drama began. I started it. It was something about ‘not being professional’, ‘having been fasting for 10 hours in my current condition is not fun’, ‘call the lady back to take my blood right now’ and so on…

I think I yelled. Well, I’m sure I did. And worse, I dashed out just like that without saying anything.

That night I couldn’t close my eyes. The man’s expression when I was yelling really bugged me. What was it, stunned? Hurt?!

That’s it. It was my mistake. I shouldn’t have got mad with him. Who was he anyway? He was just the janitor, so it wasn’t his job to know who would come to do blood tests. And if he had a family, how would his wife and kids feel for him? Not to mention if he’s not originated from Jakarta, a person like me might make him hate this city even more *sigh sigh sigh!*

Do you play that online shooting computer game where you can shoot just everybody including your own teammates? I bet your teammate is more than happy to shoot you in reality if you shoot him, even if it’s a friendly one. Another bet, that action can leave you feel stupid, for sacrificing your own team member.

Right, that’s how I feel even until now. Guilty and stupid are just the right combination to substitute caffeine at night. Let’s see what time I get to sleep after this.

Ow, what about the doughnuts? Well, I ate it right after I walked out that lab door.

If you just don’t mind taking a peek into below:

http://bunnymeetz.wordpress.com/2006/09/23/getting-set-for-the-swan-dive/

Guess what? (Gee… like it wasn’t that guessable ) … I’ve proven the 12% probability and successfully—just as the whole classmates—fell into the 90% of candidates globally.

Let’s celebrate! (If committing a suicide is not sinful, I’d already be gone by now…)

Tips for those who are planning to take the exam: DO FREAKING STUDY even if your IQ is above 140!!!!!

The four year old Paquita is my niece. While her American father has to work in Thailand, her mother has a good career in the local government and can only spend time with her during the weekend. Fortunately there are my other sister and the maid who watch over her at home. All of them live next door.

One day, her mother asked me to watch over her after she got home from school, since the other adults weren’t home.

12:30 PM

When Paquita arrived home that afternoon, I was already standing by in front of her house. Her first words to me were,”Can I play Barbie in your house?”

Me : (Oh dear…) If only you put them all back yourself in the right place after finish playing. Paquita : Okay, Boss.

Me : And you have to finish your lunch. After that you will take a nap.

Paquita : Yes, Boss.

And suddenly the floor is full with any kinds of Barbie: the torn-dress, the one-shoe, the nude, the chopped-head… yeah, they’re all Paquita’s

1 PM

Lunch was ready and she had it without argumentations. Ate it herself, neatly. Good girl, but hang on coz the best is yet to come…

Barbie party continued. I got the chopped-head and I had to pretend it had a crush on the little bear. She played the bear. The bear said to the chopped-head,”Will you marry me, My Princess?”

Love must be real blind in the Barbie World… *sigh*

2 PM

Nap time. But uh-oh, I just remembered that the fridge was almost empty! I had to go groceries shopping that day or else there would be no dinner, and breakfast, and lunch for the week! So I called Paquita’s Mom, asking her permission to take the little princess at 5 PM to the supermarket. After I got the ‘OK’, she talked to Paquita. The little girl then climbed onto bed after washing her feet.

Me : Paquita, would you come with me to the supermarket if it’s not raining later?

Paquita nodded several times with a bright smile on her face.

Me : We’re gonna take a public vehicle. Is that okay with you, Chubby Bubby?

Paquita : Okay, Boss!

When I was lying next to her, she held my hand tightly and then closed her eyes. We were like that for I don’t know how long, but it was enough time for me to watch this sweet little chubby princess

4 PM

It wasn’t hard to wake her up. I only needed to whisper,”Let’s go to the supermarket,” and she jumped right off of the bed. Minutes later she had finished taking a bath, wore her cute pink dress and held her Barbie small bag with Powerpuff Girls raincoat inside. She picked a small can of milk from the fridge and with her wide smile saying,”I’m ready, Aunty!” when I was still stunned watching her do all that by herself.

Paquita : Let me bring your umbrella.

This is when we were waiting for the public car. Thank goodness it wasn’t raining.

Me : Nah, it’s okay. It’s a bit heavy.

Paquita : No, it’s not! I’m strong! (seizing my umbrella.)

On our way to the supermarket, she held the umbrella tightly as if it was gonna lost if she didn’t do so. I just couldn’t help pinching her chubby cheek looking her do that. My heart thanked her

She’s however the first four-year who’s ever been that sweet to me, while other four-years usually prefer me bringing their stuffs for them.

6 PM

We were already in the supermarket and were almost finished shopping. On our way to the cashier, we walked pass the snacks and sweets lane. Uh-oh… this girl must be asking me to buy this and that after this in a minute!

… …Snacks and sweets lane were way behind us and Paquita looked just cool. I couldn’t believe she didn’t ask me for any sweets at all coz I knew very well how she liked those things much. It was almost abnormal to me!

So this aunty dragged her back to the lane,”Okay, Girl, what would you like?”

Paquita : Mom told me not to buy anything.

Me : Your Mom is right, you shouldn’t because you don’t have any money, right? So I’m gonna buy it for you. But you must remember that this only happens when someone wants to buy it for you. If they don’t, then you don’t ask them to, either. Got it, Chubby Cheek?

She got it. She picked three bars of chocolate right away with different flavours from the shelf. Hmm, that’s… quick. I kinda thought she’d only take one.

Paquita : The other two are for Lala and Lia.

She remembered to buy for her other cousins as well?? If amazement came in the form of water, then I’d be all wet.

Outside the supermarket, she opened her can of milk.

Paquita : Here Aunty, have some. This tastes really nice!

Gosh, is it really her job to always surprise me with her awareness of being sincere in such a young age?

My Dad once said that if you go to a kindergarten, you’ll see that each child, of all that many, is unique. He’s totally right. I’ve seen many children and none of them has similar characteristic to each other. Still, without any intention to brag, mostly I can guess what’s in their mind and what they’re gonna do next.

But not with Paquita. I often can’t see it coming with her. The fact that she’s four year old and yet has the ability to be unselfish, while other kids her age normally are, makes me fall in love with her just easily.

Please don’t forget that we cannot blame kids under five for being selfish. It’s a mere stage of their childhood life that we adults must understand. In time they will learn how to think about other people too. So, looks like Paquita has learned it earlier than her friends.

Well, good on you, Chubby Bubby

I hope that heart of a princess’s stays in you no matter how old you are, where you are and whom you’re with.

Got another interesting forwarded e-mail. 

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the “Peanuts” comic strip.

You don’t have to actually answer the questions.
Just read the e-mail straight through, and you’ll get the point. 

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.        
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.          
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.        
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.  
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.                            
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.  How did you do?                          
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:        
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.  
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.  
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

” Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia .”
(Charles Schultz)

Got my hair treated the other day in a new salon. The girl who handled me was friendly. While massaging my head, she talked about her life, about the train home, the jobs she’s been doing since 2002, her three and nine years old kids, and more other topics about herself until we arrived at her love life.

Salon girl           : I knew my husband only 2 months before we got married.

Me                    : Really?? Wow… who’d have thought, right?

Salon girl           : Right. And you know what, my previous relationship was 6 years.

Me                    : (Having heard so often about long-time relationships don’t always end up in marriage…) Oh well…

Salon girl           : And I still can’t forget about him.

Me                    : You mean… (Take my bait, girl.) 

Salon girl           : Yeah, my old boyfriend. He still means so much for me. He’s so different with my husband.

Uh-oh… here comes my naïve way of thinking… that ‘means so much’ sounds like the current partner may rank second. I didn’t ask her further about that, although she seemed more than ready to tell me more about it. Maybe she saw me as a harmless stranger who might ease the whatever-it-is burden in her heart, if there is a burden of course.

Alright girl, salon girl, you were in love with that boyfriend for six years. I bet it wasn’t an always smooth relationship, but obviously the number ‘six’ still means something for you.

 But, hang on! There he is, your husband. Yep, the guy who’s accompanied you for almost ten years. True, true, only God and you guys know the storms and comedies that have happened in your marriage life. So, what are you gonna say about him?

Me                    : (Okay, salon girl, take this second bait:) I bet you love your husband so much. (Wow… for mentioning the word ‘love’ to a stranger…)

Salon girl           : Umm…

 Umm?! Ten years with two kids, salon girl!

Salon girl           : … I don’t know. ‘I don’t know’ doesn’t mean ‘yes’ to me. And I can’t believe she saw me that harmless *sigh*

Anyhow, talk about the other side of a coin, there must be a reason for saying that ‘I don’t know’ after 10-years marriage. It could be the accumulation of disappointments in your heart, the stuffs that you’ve been trying to let out but just end up bouncing on that unseen wall. It could be small things, but your partner just doesn’t seem to ever understand what you want. It could be as simple as when you’re excited to tell your partner what happened in the workplace that day, but the opposite party just doesn’t look that excited when you do it. Worse, “Shush…!” you coz the football game is starting on TV right at that time. Hmm, looking back at those ‘meaningful six years’ (at this point, you usually forget—or want to forget—the bad things that also took place during those six years) and remembering that being always listened must have been like some escapade. 

…Or for an even bigger reason. You caught him paying a special attention to another woman. This probably makes it feel right for you to say the “means so much” and “I don’t know.”

Some say, if you can hurt me I can hurt you too… If you don’t understand me after I’ve tried to make you understand me that means bad news for both parties… U guys, can all these conditions really ‘legalize’ the way you compensate for your disappointments by doing the same thing to the opposite party?

My parents keep telling me that a relationship always, always takes sincerity in giving in and struggle for the sake of many hearts. They don’t believe in paying back bad attitude with the same bad, or even worse, attitude. The payback should only be given by God. How easier said than done, I thought. But I must admit that I’ve seen them prove—not always, but they’re proving just fine—sincerity and struggle in more than a quarter of century.

Still, saying that you don’t know if you love the person who’s been there to raise the children together with you and perhaps put up with your boring jokes and nagging demands for years… …

I reckon, whenever I start a new relationship, at that very second I must commit to it, heart and soul. It’s dead difficult especially when I’m upset and disappointed! But I have to. I do, I do, I do…!

The first thing I have to put on my mindset is ‘respect’. My current relationship deserves priority and therefore responsibility. Holding onto them is what makes the relationship worthwhile. Therefore the grass hopefully stays green

What about the salon girl and her six years in the past? Well, she’s got her own reasons. I couldn’t meddle with that, could I? I know that there’s no right answer to which one is the most important: the past, the present or the future? I’d say they’re all are, but with different functions and different priority. I deem the past as groundwork for the present and the present for the future. Just like house groundwork, it can never be out in the ground. It must stay underground. You can value the memories in the past, take lessons from it, or maybe laugh about it, but not going back there. Absolutely not when you’re in a relationship.

The future is there for you to seize. And the present, enriched by lessons from the past, is the vehicle for you to ride into the future. You break it, then you gotta fix it in order to continue your journey. If it can’t be fixed, then it’s become your past, but it’s okay coz you’ve fought hard for it already. It’s time to find another vehicle towards the future. Mind you, it’s a mere analogy. Please don’t confuse yourself by believing that I see a partner as a vehicle. Huge mistake. Besides that, I’m talking about the relationship, not the person. Let’s not make our already uneasy life harder with unnecessary judgment, shall we?

Anyways, I once saw a card saying true love never runs smooth. This, I agree.

Better be thanking than complaining…

that way the world won’t lose its beauty to our eyes.

Better feel losing than winning…

if winning just makes us too proud.

As much as I know that it’s important to find out h.o.w. …

I want so much to go back asking w.h.y. every now and again.

Am I too stuck to even realize that I am?

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel you don’t belong there? I mean, a kind of situation that you’re already familiar with because (!)you’ve let yourself being compensated by others for too long already.

Quit it may sound tempting. Well, it does to me. However, in effect of doing it can possibly break more than just two hearts.

I’d like to sigh, please…

C’mon, Al, hold yourself together.

I love Sabar. Unconditionally. And I don’t care even if it’s truly unnecessary to declare it to the other residents of Earth. See how funny love makes us become? Careful and careless just at the same time.

Now, about Sabar, he’s more than 3 years old. I would be real happy if someone told me he/she had seen an older rabbit. Especially one that behaves more like a puppy than a rabbit.

So why do I love him so much? Hhh… why bother answering?

Anyways, for us a.k.a Dad, my brother and me, Sabar is one helluva…n entertainer. He’ll follow us everywhere in the house. Sometimes he’ll lay down somewhere, but when he hears us opening a cookies jar, he’ll run instantly towards us as if it was the run for life. Don’t get him wrong. He won’t come close if you call his name. Apparently, he’s too lazy to maximize the use of his long ears to hear. They’re more used as ‘food detector.’

One day, Roro, his wife (seriously?) died, for an unknown cause. As some of you may have known, I don’t live in my parents’ house anymore. So I went there, with expectation that her cage is empty already. And when I got there, I was stunned. Sabar’s cage was empty too! No, no, not him too!

My cousin who lives there, as if she knew what’s on my mind, said,”He’s dead too.”

Me        : You’d better be joking… (…or I won’t be joking pulling your hair, girl.)

So I frantically asked Mom where Sabar was. Tears were just ready to fall. Couldn’t even try to think logically.

Mom     : You’re not gonna find him. He died.

Me        : Because!

Brother  : (Answering from upstairs, this eagerness should’ve made me suspicious.) Because he’s sick.

Me        : Ma! You said Roro died. You didn’t mention about Sabar! Has he been buried already? (I’m sorry, Ma, for screaming. But you guys were so wicked.)

Brother  : We gave his dead body to the bird seller to bury him.

Me        : So I won’t be able to see him ever again??!! (Bye bye logic…)

Brother  : Of course not.

He can’t be serious! He loves Sabar so much as well. He’s crazy about Sabar he even proposed him to marry him (whadda…?) before we found out Sabar’s ‘thingy’ down there. He can’t be this cold about Sabar’s going away. So the probability of him being serious was… I ran upstairs to my Dad’s work desk. Sabar would normally lay near Dad’s feet. I was still crying dramatically, horrified by the thought that I wouldn’t find my puppy (read: wabbit) there.Yep, there he was. Laying alive and pretty. And my brother didn’t look pretty good when I presented him punches. Eat that, fatso! Hate you, hate you, hate you! (Love you… pssst.)

Sabar, mi Sabar… have you seen how love makes me become?