“Honey, I’m hooomme!”

It’s been almost two months since my last post. I’ve moved out to the new home, about 15 minutes via freeway from my parents’.

Everyday is all about adjustment, adjustment, adjustments. With the surrounding peeps, with the chores, with being away from my family and my rabbits… with no telephone line installed yet…

Well, nothing has surprised me just yet so far. I think I’m managing just okay. And I never forget about my green grass here of course, ever! Mmmuach! …Just couldn’t find the time to leave a new post. Sorry for that.

Right, many have happened. My exam was on December 3, 2006. After finished doing it, I never felt that optimistic in my life before… about failing it. This kind of feeling immediately led me to feel many more negative feelings, that I’m such a disappointment to my parents… how I’ve wasted my time a lot… how I’ve wasted their time in raising me… FYI, I still feel this way until now and am not planning to remove it from my heart. Deem it as a reminder to do better next time, no matter what the exam results will be.And then, the bad news came while I . An old friend got hit by a motorcycle and her head was injured. That’s not easy to my heart. Seeing her lay down in the hospital, unconscious and powerless, was just heartbreaking. But thank God, her parents and boyfriend were strong and hopeful. They have to, and they know it. And thanks again, God, for sending her back to her family.A president was hung. An airplane went missing. A boat was drowned. A train fell from a bridge. And the world is still busy.I’m busy.

I learn how to cook properly. I sweep. I mop. I wash. I tolerate. I swallow. I argue. I listen. I keep my mouth shut at times. I smile widely. I missed out The Simpsons, often. I sleep early. I hate. I love.

“Honey, I’m hoooomme!”

Here ‘we’ go…

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

-..- by Oriah Mountain Dreamer -..-

(3 nights, 8 hours and 30 minutes to go… Bismillah.)

Dream a little dream…

To dream or not to dream…

I mean, literally dreaming. The brain’s work-in-process while we’re sleeping. Sometimes I remember what my dream is, but mostly I don’t. And if I do, I’ll usually forget it soon.

But not one dream I had one night. Or was it ‘day’ during my late waking-up era? Hmmm… :|

Anyways, on that dream, I was running through futuristic halls and chased by evil troops with laser guns. Y’know, the kind of thing that happens in Star Wars movies. I can’t remember why I was being chased. Maybe I was the evil one, not them. And you know how hard it is to rrruunnn in your dream. Seems like parts of your body don’t want to join forces normally. Seems like they’re made to make you get caught or stumble. Ahaa, that’s the point! To make us realize that once you wake up it was just a dream.

Whoops, hang on, the story’s not over yet. So, after a grueling runaway from hall to hall, I got into a huge hangar. But only one plane parked there. An antique one just like the World War II kind of plane. And then I jumped on it, started the machine and flew out. Yeah, this is the good thing about dreaming. It allows you to be impossible, yet it doesn’t give space for mocking judgments. Right?

Now, I was in the sky. Flying quietly and alone. It was twilight and the sun, being a massive round and red glare, was right in front of me but didn’t blind me. It shone on the surroundings softly.

Can’t remember what happened next, but I can never forget that part of my dream until now. It was beautiful in a mystifying way. And remembering flying alone between the red clouds towards the sunset just gives me euphoria. What’s bizarre is, how it helps me to feel good now and again.

The Quality Time…

Was watching Grey’s Anatomy, the ‘Deny Deny Deny’ episode with my folks. No Indonesian subtitle, and English is just not their first language. Anyways, when Meredith’s Mum, Ellis Grey, suddenly burst into the MRI room and gave medical instructions to Alex, there was another drama in my living room:

Dad: Is she a doctor or a patient? (In a confused tone. Not surprising, coz Ellis was on bed minutes before)

Me: She used to be a good doctor. But she had to retire due to Alzheimer.

Ten minutes later after commercial break. On TV, everybody panicked coz Ellis’ room was empty. George was supposed to watch out for her.

Dad: What happened?

Me: (Telling myself: Here we go again…) Ellis went missing.

Dad: Where did she go?

Me: (Inhale-exhale deeply) That’s what everyone’s asking actually.

After another commercial break:

Dad: They wear different colors of uniforms. D’you know what each means?

Me: (Trying hard to catch what Addison was telling Meredith. FYI, English is not my first language either) Dunno… Not sure…

Dad: Does each color represent a particular grade?

Me: Maybe (What did Addison say again?)

Dad: That man just now seems to be the big boss, but he wears the same color like his employees. Why?

Me: … I’ll ask the producer about that later.

So I hardly got what the episode was all about that night. Can’t believe this kind of thing has been going on for tens of years in my life. Newsflash: I’m moving out of my parents’ house by the end of November.

Come to think of that, as much as Dad’s questions during the series being played kinda bugged me, I’m definitely gonna miss this moment with him, much!

Well, I guess I don’t mind being bugged

PS: I watched it on 01-Nov, so it was before I made the ‘to do’ list on my previous post. Don’t get too suspicious yet Well, the good news is, I’m still hangin’ on the list. Ooh yeah!

Payback time!

I’ve been doing a great job… hell yeah, it’s great! ….At sleeping

WHILE my six ‘Books of Nightmares’ are still waiting to be properly and intentionally read. I do remember that there’s an exam coming in a month. Oh yes, remember it so well, like, everrrrydayyyy… But… To study… Hhhh…!

To do:

• Stay up (d’uh… um, okay then, will try to) for two days.
• Sleep only 3 hours max (Hah! Eat that, girl!)
• Coffee, lots of it.
• No watching DVD’s.
• No TV’s.
• Internet, a little.

And everytime I wanna break my own rules, remember how sorry I will be!!!

So, this way I won’t regret if I fail the exam. Coz I’ll fail because it’s difficult, not because I don’t fight hard enough.

Love, Killin’ Kind.

Got a forwarded message from a friend.

A guy who rode a motorbike with his girl were speeding over 100 MPH on the road.

Girl: Slow down. I’m scared!
Guy: No, this is fun!
Girl: No, it’s not. Please, it’s too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: …Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
The girl hugged him.
Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It’s bugging me.

In the paper the next day: A motorcycle had crashed into a building due to brakes failure. Two people were on it, but only one survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn’t want to let his girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug him one last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even thought it meant that he would die.

Ooooowww… <:-(

Once upon a daylight…

Last Monday, went to Dufan with my brother and cousins. It was the day right before Eid ul-Fitr, the mid of holiday season, so I did expect:

1. The place to be crowded,
2. A long queue at each attraction,
3. People who would be more than happy to cut in the queue right before our very eyes,
4. Me, busy saying “Get back in the line, pleeeease!” to the people who (grrghh… #%^&%!!) just didn’t seem to give up on doing it.

Well, I admit that, at this point, I had my own so-called presumption before I entered the place towards the people inside, whom I hadn’t seen yet. This is one of those moments when I’m just too tired to even tryyyy (see how tired I am?) thinking positive coz perhaps I’ve known the situation well. Too well *sighing a la drama queen*

Anyway, all of the above came true. Yep, including number 4.

Inside and outside this adventure world, many healthy people (…whoa, good guess! They’re indeed those who aren’t dying!) cut in. Oh, no no… not so that the wars in the world end if they do. Not so that HIV stops spreading either. And tens of other not-so-that’s…

So, what good is cutting in the line for? Oh well, I suppose it’s time to say hi again to our beloved friend named E-freakin’-go. I bet u’ve met this legendary friend before, perhaps a minute ago? Who hasn’t, by the way?

Back to the Dufan story… After three times experiencing people cutting in (thank yooouuu… #%$$^&*#@!), when I was standing in line for the Dolls Castle with my peeps, I saw this man behind us. He was about 40’s of age, and was with his wife & kids. His kids tried to cut us in. But what stopped me from scolding them (right, I do have a heart to this to kids at times) was what their father did. He, patiently and persistently, told his kids to just stand in line and not to cut in ever again. And the kids instantly did what he said.

Oh wow…! To see such a view… amid the hot and humid air…! I swear, everytime someone did cut in, no one else (except my bunch, of corrzz) seemed to be bothered. At Star Wars attraction, one daddy let his kid went all the way to the front line to catch up with the mommy. My piercing look on the father didn’t have any effects at all. So I thought,”Well done. Looks like he’s done a good job educating his kid about manners…”

Now, let’s return to the Dolls Castle short story. Sorry about the sudden jumps on topics. Of course I didn’t know that man. But oh how I admired and was proud of him… of his family too! Now that what I call a true hero!!

Because, hero is one who has the courage to keep respect for others in his/her heart.

…….. Are you?

Eid Mubarak 1427 H…!

May Allah SWT protect you from all harm,

Brighten your heart with the light of Iman,

Bless you with the vision of Ihsaan, and

Elevate you with the greatness of Eid ul-Fitr.

Aamiin.

:: Far and Few Between ::

Pull up a chair, and tell me your sign :: Tell me your life, and I’ll tell you about mine :: Life can get so rough, that we both know :: And when it gets too tough, you just gotta flow

Go with the punches, I know you know what I mean :: ‘Coz the good times, can seem so far and few between

I can tell you, I surely am no preacher :: Hope you agree, living is the greatest teacher :: This world can faze you, that we both know :: When you’re lost and confused, you just gotta flow

Go with the punches, sometimes it gets real mean :: ‘Coz the happy times can seem so far and few between

What to do to get you through :: And start anew, go back to school :: The school of love :: Lord from above will set you free :: Fly like a dove

– J. Deane

‘Tis alright

It hasn’t been an easy week.

Losing… keeping… losing again… realizing…. deciding…

Seems like things just have to shiver, as a reminder that life is indeed fairly imperfect. Well, I suppose now is one of those right moments when I can learn how to kneel and to be grateful.

Confused with what I wrote? ’Tis alright. Well, have a good day. It is important.